Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.