Safety first
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News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
when there are deer in the woods
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
What if all the cashiers are married?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.