Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Check out the legs on this baby
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.