I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You Might Also Like
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
new year update: losing everything but weight
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
When you’ve simply given up.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit