My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call