“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.