If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.