do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Jupiter
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.