As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Cheers Twitter.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
no one likes gloating
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?