Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Holy crap this is wonderful
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…