If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
i want to work in this restaurant
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf