Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert