I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You Might Also Like
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
every. time.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.