I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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Just me and my debit card against the world
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
These are too funny not to post 😂
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
God has abandoned us.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!