Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.