I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
You Might Also Like
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My dog learned how to text
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”