If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Today’s Times
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???