Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”