“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
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Monday Lisa
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Oh. My. God.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny