No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts