airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
You Might Also Like
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
😩😩😩
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706