Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
You Might Also Like
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
mumsnet is amazing
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.