[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
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Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Cheers Twitter.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
When I said I liked it rough.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Current mood: Potato
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.