I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.