Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.