Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
If you know, you know
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go