Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!