Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
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“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
When I grow up, I want to be 16
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call