IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
me doing my best
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
yeah no that’s fair
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge