@MikeCanRant: There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.

@MikeCanRant: *watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
"Oh, this is just great"

@MikeCanRant: What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?

@MikeCanRant: There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

@MikeCanRant: There is no law that says you can't smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.

@MikeCanRant: I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger

@MikeCanRant: You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*

@MikeCanRant: Hi yes, I'd like the cheeseburger
"How would you like that cooked?"
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously

@MikeCanRant: Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.