*accidentally deletes a tweet*
There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.
*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
“Oh, this is just great”
What idiot called it British conjoined twins and not chapstick?
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
There is no law that says you can’t smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.
I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.
*brought to you by Bounty*
Hi yes, I’d like the cheeseburger
“How would you like that cooked?”
*gets right up in waitresses face*
With frickin fire, obviously
Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.