@MikeCanRant

Black guy just told me “Stay up playa” but didnt say until what time and I usually go to bed around 11 so not sure what to do now.

@Mikecanrant

There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.

@Mikecanrant

I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.

@Mikecanrant

Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.

@Mikecanrant

*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine*

There you go little guy. Now you’re bouncy.

@Mikecanrant

There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.

@Mikecanrant

Blood moon, shooting stars….I gotta move to a safer galaxy

@Mikecanrant

Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.

@Mikecanrant

Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.

@Mikecanrant

So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon

Dating is hard.