I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
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I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.