Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Imma just leave this here…………
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.