I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
The 6 types of sex
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Taking phone security to the next level.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*