I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
You Might Also Like
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place