Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you