“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.