I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler