Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
You Might Also Like
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.