Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
You Might Also Like
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”