and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
The smoothest fall of all time
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.