Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Mirimade's best tweets

@Mirimade : Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy? Daughter: YES! Marie Kondo: Oookay... um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago? Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite! Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy? Daughter: Yes! Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

@Mirimade: Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

@Mirimade: If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

@Mirimade: Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

@Mirimade: Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

@Mirimade: CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

@Mirimade: I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

@Mirimade: Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

@Mirimade: Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

@Mirimade: When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”