When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
this isn’t threatening at all
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
my retirement plan is braless
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
😂😂😂
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.