*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
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When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*