I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
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The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
your honor my client chooses dare
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.