Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*