saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
not for long
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.