Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.