I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m being attacked 😭
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does