Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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