The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits